Drunk Logic vs. Sober Logic: An Examination

So you've decided to spend a night out with your people: hopping bars, trying shots, meeting new friends that you won't remember you met. For many people, this is a typical weekend night. We're young, attractive (or in my case, crafted by the gods), and feel that invisible shackles have been removed from our souls once we are actually allowed to leave the machine-infested world most people refer to as "daytime." It's high time to raise fifteen kinds of Hell.

Smash cut to the next morning.

Sweet mother of all things holy and sacred, what the Hell happened last night? Odds are the drunken alter-ego of you has completely made a mess of things. The only thing you can do is open your eyes wide enough to make sure you recognize where you are and clumsily feel around your bed, couch, floor, dumpster, rooftop, or bathtub for evidence of bad decisions. Depending on your findings, you're going to go through several stages of questioning, which ultimately culminate to one final quandary: "What was I thinking?"

Well, my incredibly hungover friend, I'm going to systematically examine situations our drunk selves often take into their own hands. Once that guy is behind the controls to your mind, the world is a different and oh-so-pants-shittingly crazy place.

Sober Logic:

• It's probably going to be a long night. I need to pace my drinks as to prevent myself from becoming a vomit geyser later on.

Drunk Logic:

• I'm not spending ten bucks on one drink at the bar when I have twelve beers sitting in the fridge. Plus, I like to have a little buzz before I go out anyway. It loosens me up.

A general rule of thumb for any night of drinking goes like this: You are never drunk enough until you are too drunk. Allow me to explain. One of the most popular drinking games on this entire, sad planet is Beer Pong. If you don't know what it is, it's probably about time you look into finding a friend who isn't an armless Ken doll you keep between your mattress and box-spring. The point (not strangely at all) is to drink beer. Don't pay any attention to these crazies that are starting to view this thing as a legitimate sport. You meet some friends before heading out for the night, play a few games, and then go out.

Yeah, that's usually the plan, but how often do things work out perfectly? A couple games turns into five straight hours of grudge matches and broken friendships. Before you know it, two full cases of beer are completely gone, and it's now 3:00 in the morning. This is the problem with the entire "pre-gaming" routine a bunch of us do. Most of the time, we try to loosen ourselves up to better enjoy the night without spending an hour losing ourselves of the restraints of sobriety. Meanwhile, it often devolves into a hazy blur of drinking games, which leads to the obligatory morning cleanup session.

Sober Logic:

• I'll just find an open spot at the bar and calmly wait until the bartender has taken care of the other people who have been waiting.

Drunk Logic:

• I must mount this bar stool and cackle wildly to gain the bartender's attention. I need a drink, goddammit!
  

For some reason, a drunk person has some kind of innate need to express his/her state of intoxication, even when unprovoked. In fact, I don't think it is ever provoked. Nonetheless, these individuals are enjoying themselves and will stop at nothing to keep getting as drunk as possible. In the minds of these drunks, the other people at the bar exist only to prevent further alcohol consumption. They see others with drinks that they could be drinking. It's a conspiracy (cons-beer-acy?) with one goal: keep you from getting drunk.

Therefore, they must make themselves completely visible to the noble men and women in charge of distributing the precious nectar. When drunk logic takes over, you will climb onto people's shoulders, literally shove money into the bartenders hand, lie to the people in front of you just to get them to move, or, maybe, just take someone else's drink from off the bar and flee the scene. I've seen it happen.

Sober Logic:

• I just met this person, so I should probably keep the conversation focused on relatively simple or safe topics, sports or music, perhaps.

Drunk Logic:

• "Hey you seem like a good person and all, but I don't think Jesus ever actually existed."
  

What is it about alcohol that makes everyone want to voice their opinions on every topic under the sun? What? Oh... OK, I'm being told that everyone is like that all the time anyway (honest mistake). Meanwhile, there is something about alcohol that makes us disregard any semblance of political correctness, and at that time, we wholeheartedly believe we're making good conversation. Granted, some unabashed comments will be met with a right hook instead of a high five. Long story short, keep your politics, religion, and manifesto excerpts at home.

Sober Logic:

• Why do I have these numbers in my phone? I don't think I've talked to a few of these people in years.

Drunk Logic:

• "HEY, u rmember me???// i hvn't talk 2 u in yrs but wE shuld def hang out!!!!!!!!"
  

I truly believe that texting is an invention that originated in the mind of Satan, himself. We are now allowed to have full conversations without the inconveniences of physical presence and spoken words (diabolical). See, what the Devil knew would happen is that drunks would utilize text messaging to type up messages to avoid people hearing their dumb, drunk voices.

"Hey I want to call this girl, but I'm sure she'll hear me slurring my words and think I'm drunk. Oh I'll just text her! That way I can be as suave as I want without actually having to say it!"

Once our drunk asses have finally crafted the perfect text message to some girl we sorta dated that one summer after high school, we send that thing off like a torpedo of affection. But wait, she doesn't respond. Why? Maybe because it is 4:00 in the morning, and everyone less drunk than you is already fast asleep. So, that text message expressing your undying love just sits there... waiting... until you eventually have to explain away your stupidity and never talk to her again. Make sure to congratulate her on her second child, too.

Sober Logic:

• My bed and pajamas so comfortable, especially when the pillows are arranged exactly right. I'm sure I'll wake up refreshed and ready to take on the day!

Drunk Logic:

• Yep, that ottoman looks good to me.
  

A pretty nifty trick I like to utilize after arriving home from a bar outing is immediately disrobing and hopping my happy ass right into bed. Why? I'm preventing myself from passing out anywhere else. We've all been there. For those of you who know me, you'll know where I'm going with this. I happen to have a giant amorphous comfort blob that occupies about 1/3 of my living room. The temptation is strong to sit down in that thing and flip open the laptop (rookie mistake). One does not simply sit down in the blob and get up minutes later. You're going to spend the night engulfed in the blob, and I can only hope that your shoes aren't still on.